i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
