I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Operation Purity has been aborted
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
