Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
