I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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