i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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