last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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