So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
