weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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