:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
