Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We left an ass print on the piano.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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