I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
