Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
