Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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