my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
