If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
