I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
