dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
