haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
