My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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