we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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