just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
