If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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