i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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