If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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