We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
