I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
