hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
