u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
