can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
