At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
