I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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