Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize