Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
