You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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