Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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