I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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