im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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