I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
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