you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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