Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Will you blow on my dice?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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