Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
