I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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