this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
