brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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