He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
We don't watch enough power rangers
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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