I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
