Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
last night I used snow as a chaser
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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