We won't sleep together?
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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