Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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