I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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