A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
