when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
