i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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