There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
