So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
