In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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