I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
