U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
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