Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
